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You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.

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I have read other books on this topic which spoke to me... This book, which I got in the Kindle version, pulled it all together for me--the biology, personal values, self identity, the human quest for belonging and intimacy. The book... brought to me great understanding. I wish I had ordered the paper version with the workbook. I ended up going back and ordering it.

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Entries in relationship advice (5)

Saturday
Feb132016

How to Keep Your Relationship Thriving through Change?

You feel good about your spouse. The two of you have worked through some issues and are in a comfortable place. Conflict is at a minimum and your communication seems to be okay. Then one day your wife comes home and tells you she is pregnant. While you are both excited with the thought of starting a family, you silently worry about the future. Your company is not doing all that well and you are hearing rumors about lay-offs. Your wife is so excited about the baby that she begins to talk about all the plans she has for remodeling the house and buying things for the baby. Somewhere in the third trimester, she comes home and says she really wants to quit her job once the baby is born and stay at home.

And thus, a whole new world of tension and conflict ensues.

You begin to get angry. You don’t understand why your wife does not appreciate the pressures you are having at work and the insecurity of the job. You fight with your wife about every single purchase she makes for the baby and adamantly refuse to consider any remodeling of the house. Instead of seeing your wife as the loving partner she once was, you now start to see another side to her. Someone who wants what she wants no matter how much money is in the bank—a person who is not in touch with reality. A capricious woman who does not appreciate your circumstances. You are torn between wanting to be a good husband and father with the fear that you will be unable to provide what is needed. You secretly resent your wife and the baby for putting you this situation—a place of feeling inadequate and incompetent.

Your wife does not understand your anger. She is so excited about becoming a mother and desperately wants to be home with the baby. She resents your controlling attitude and resistance to what she feels would be the best for the baby. She wishes you would have a “can do” attitude and reassure her that you will do what it takes to financially provide for the family until she feels ready to go back to work. The more you communicate your disapproval and resistance to her ideas, the more she finds a way to make you feel guilty and inadequate.

And thus, the dance of disappointment and resentment begins.

Major changes will test your relationship and marriage. Changes create uncertainty, loss and anxious anticipation. Roles, identities, needs and resources are challenged and a new way of being is required. During major times change it is important to honor the process—everyone will deal with the loss of the old and transitioning to the new in their own way and time. And if a couple has opposing needs and coping strategies, then going through the change together will create even more tension. Don’t be surprised if you discover aspects of your mate (and yourself) that you didn’t see before. With every new challenge that life brings us, so does the opportunity to learn something new about ourselves and the people we love.

Change always includes the opportunity to grow together.

Here are some things to consider as you and your significant other traverse the rocky landscape of change.

  1. Remember that you are both experiencing some form of loss. The loss of a way of life, an identity, a sense of security, money, a relationship, or a loved one (if the change involves a death). Be kind and gentle with each other and give each other the space to grieve the old way of being (even if the change is positive).
  2. Don’t get too attached to how you think things should work out. Everyone has a picture or fantasy about how life should look on the other side of change. Trying to “make” this happen is what causes unnecessary turmoil. Be open to allowing the “new” to emerge in its own time and way. Be open to how things will look as you both influence the journey together.
  3. Give each other a “pass” every now and then. When people are scared or hurting, sometimes they handle it with grace and sometimes not. Instead of getting defensive or striking back, ask more questions so you can learn more about your spouses’ fears rather than insisting they see things your way.
  4. Keep the communication open. Talk about what is really going on and why you are feeling the way you do. Listen to the same from your spouse. This is a time to be a generous listener and really understand your partner in life. Practice understanding, empathy and acceptance. Practice this again and again.
  5. Be creative in your problem-solving. With major change comes lots of issues to figure out and problems to solve. Once you both feel heard and understood, the problem-solving happens with more ease. You are more likely to find solutions that work for both of you.

Remember, change will keep coming. You can’t stop it. Take advantage of the opportunity to strengthen your relationship and grow together. Remember you are on the same side. Support each other’s concerns. You will get through it—you simply have no other choice.

If you and your spouse (or significant other) are going through a major life change, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

Be well,

Julie

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

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Monday
Jul202015

A Good Relationship is not a Destination…

A good relationship is not a destination; a good relationship is a process.

We all want to “get there.” We want to put in the work and reap our rewards. We want someone to show us the way, give us the answers and somehow enable us to finally be happy.

Or so we think.

The truth is that a good relationship is process. It begins with becoming aware of who you are, understanding what makes your partner tick, and learning how to navigate the waters of being in relationship with each other. You never become an expert. You never totally get there. There is always more to learn. You will never be perfect at it.

I invite you to consider that you and your partner will stumble from time to time. I invite you to accept that a good relationship requires you to work at it. You can’t be complacent, lazy or take it for granted. You need to put your attention and efforts toward it. And you need to understand that even when you do this, you will never get that happy ending.

So what’s in it for you and yours?

When you commit to learning and living the process, you acquire a relationship muscle, a comfort level with understanding issues and breakdowns that occur within the relationship, and the confidence, know-how and courage to work through them with more ease and grace.

This is the destination. Learning the process, and then learning the process again and again.

The gift from doing so?

Personal power and freedom of choice. And a relationship based on mutual respect, love and intimacy. Go for it!

Be well,

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you know wants to learn the process of relationship building, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

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Sunday
Jul142013

Relationship Help Q&A Video "My Ex has Cancer and I feel... I'm a bad person for feeling this way?"

Relationship Help Q&A Video "My Ex has Cancer and I feel justice has been served. I'm a bad person for feeling this way?"

Watch and learn as Julie Orlov answers your love and relationship questions. Today's questions deals with anger and resentment toward your ex -- even if he or she has a life threatening illness! Learn how to let go, forgive, and move on rather than hold on to your resentment and indulge your fantasies of revenge.

Watch the video on YouTube or directly on my blog (Click Read in Browser to connect)

http://youtu.be/cuZkVb0UE1k

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Friday
May172013

When Is It Time to Pop the Question and Say Yes?! 

I was thinking the other day about marriage. My marriage—or better stated—my future marriage—or not. I have been living with my significant other for over a year and the question of if and when to take the next step has been on my mind. I have been married before and know what it’s like to have a good marriage, an okay marriage, a bad marriage, and an even worse divorce. Since my divorce, I’ve gone through stages when I’ve been fairly certain that a second marriage was unnecessary, especially since I have raised two children on my own.  I’ve also gone through stages where the idea of being married one more time seemed appealing and desirable (remember, I did have a few good years with my ex-husband and know what a good marriage feels like).

Deciding if and when to get married is a serious matter. And if you are a veteran of one or more marriages that have ended in divorce, the decision weighs more heavily. You know what it takes to divorce—it is not for the faint of heart. And if you have never been married, you are certainly aware of the fact that over half of all marriages end in divorce—and have probably witnessed a friend’s or family member’s ugly divorce at some point in time. 

So I started to think about what would have to be in place in order for me to take that next step. I also started to think about what my significant other would have to have in place before he was ready to take the next step. Then I thought of all of you. After all, you have entrusted me in providing you guidance and wisdom on how to navigate your relationships. The least I can do is share with you what I’ve come to understand about myself and the question of marriage...

...So I decided to tackle the question of “Do I want to get married?”...

To help you make this life altering decision, I've come up with my top ten questions to ask yourself—and your significant other.... Click Read in Browser to read full article

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Sunday
Apr282013

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY EMPTY NEST? - What to Do When Your Grown Children Move Back In 

With graduation coming right around the corner and the economy still lagging behind, many new graduates will be coming home—to stay—at least for a while. And that’s not all. Many older independent adult children who have been laid off or have had difficulty launching their careers find themselves reluctantly knocking on their parents door, needing a place to live until they find a way to get back on their feet and make their own way. While some parents may welcome the return of their adult children, going from dependent teenagers to independent adult roommates may not be as easy as it seems. Many single parents and couples find it challenging to lose their sense of freedom and privacy just at a time when the have come to embrace and enjoy their “empty nest.” There are many challenges parents face when their adult children return home. These include

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