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“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life.  It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”

—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential

 

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You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.

Irene Conlan

I have read other books on this topic which spoke to me... This book, which I got in the Kindle version, pulled it all together for me--the biology, personal values, self identity, the human quest for belonging and intimacy. The book... brought to me great understanding. I wish I had ordered the paper version with the workbook. I ended up going back and ordering it.

Paula Markgraf Katz

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Entries in relationship building (10)

Sunday
Sep292013

What Does a Good Relationship Feel Like?

A good relationship is like a good bottle of wine. It gets better with time. There is no substitute for time. Relationships develop; they just don't magically spontaneously emerge. It takes consistent effort and attention to grow a relationship. If you put the effort in, the pay-off is yours for the keeping.

During phase one*, relationships feel good, scary, uncertain, idealized, dreamy—a roller-coaster ride.

During phase two*, relationships feel settled in, yet rocky. This is the time when struggles, disappointments, and conflicts are at their peak. This is when you begin to build your relationship muscle. This is the time when you wonder why you're here and how long you want to stay. This is the time you fear your significant other will leave or betray you in some way. This is a different kind of ride—one that feels more settled and solid but with more unease, unrest and doubt.

If you do the work of phase one and two, you begin to reap what you've sown.  You move into phase three*. This is when a relationship feels GOOD all the time and GREAT most of the time.

If you've never had this kind of relationship or if you've never been around a couple that has this kind of relationship, this may feel foreign to you. If you want this kind of relationship, then it will help if you can imagine what it feels like to be in a good relationship. This way, you'll recognize it when it comes your way, accept nothing less, and begin to understand what it takes to get there.

To help you with this, I've written a short visualization for you. Record it if you like, or simply imagine what it feels like to be there. Picture yourself in this kind of relationship and it just might come true for you!

Click Read in Browser to access the visualization and full article.

*Phase one, two and three are part of The Pathway to Love, a developmental approach to understanding and growing relationships in powerful and healthy ways. For more information on The Pathway to Love books and programs, visit www.JulieOrlov.com/24-hour-relationship-help 

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Sunday
Aug252013

Today I Woke Up Without My Sense of Humor 

I woke up this morning without my sense of humor. I was feeling pretty good yesterday. That is, until I expressed my concerns about a family event to my significant other. His response was less than helpful, although I know his intentions were good. So instead of feeling reassured, I ended up with a feeling of "yuck." To make matters worse, I continued to express another concern that came to mind in reaction to his "sharing."  He not only fell asleep soon after this vulnerable moment but then later during the night proceeded to initiate "you know what"  in a way that was in direct opposition to what I had requested just some five hours earlier.

So I begin to question things. Is he passive aggressive? Is he tuned out? Did he forget the importance of what I was communicating? Is he simply clueless?

Then I remembered.... He's just a guy. But he's my guy. And yes, sometimes he's passive aggressive, sometimes he's tuned out, and sometimes he's simply forgetful and clueless. That's just the way it goes from time to time.

Now, for you guys out there that are feeling attacked and picked on—I implore you to refrain from hitting "reply" and sending me letters. Because you have your own version for us gals. There are moments when you shake your head in disbelief at the things we say and do, the things we want, and the way we think and feel. There are no double standards here—the same goes for everyone.

Now, back to my story.

So I woke up this morning thinking, who is this guy I live with and why do I? I began to think of all the reasons why I should "dump" him. But after a short while, I stopped myself.  I took some deep breaths and started to see things more clearly.

He's a great guy and an imperfect guy. He behaves like a typical man—which is sometimes good and sometimes challenging. He's the person I love and with whom I have chosen to share my life. 

Then I turned the mirror toward myself?  Who am I in this equation?

I'm someone who has high expectations and isn't afraid to ask for what I need and express how I feel. I'm someone who is sensitive and who at times will over-react to situations and events when my expectations aren't met and when I'm feeling exceptionally vulnerable. I'm also someone who at the end of the day can sort all that out and find perspective and a sense of humor once again. 

So as I sit here this morning and remember what is truly important, I wanted to share these thoughts with you. When you find yourself disappointed, baffled, frustrated, or at a loss for words, remember this.

Your partner is not perfect and never will be. Men are men, women are women. And while the differences that exist between you and your partner can be challenging at times, in the end, they are what makes the relationship work.

Your expectations will not be met—at least, most of the time. Expectations are really another way to say "I wish you were more like me." Find your way back to appreciating the fact that your partner isn't more like you. Two of you would simply be too much of one thing.

Find your sense of humor. Most people have good will most of the time. Most situations are harmless (and for those that aren't, please refer to my other articles that address real relationship problems) and for those that are harmless, let go and laugh about it. Find a way to look at your partner and their baffling behavior as endearing comic relief.

And finally, don't take any of it personally. 

As for me? I've worked my way back to a grin and am finding my way toward a little chuckle :-)....

If you or someone you know is struggling to create a loving and intimate relationship, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I am here to provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

As always, I’m here to support you in creating a transformational life and strong and powerful relationships. 

Be well,

Julie

P.S. And don't forget to catch my radio/TV show Pathways to Love w'Julie Orlov LIVE every Sunday 1:30pm PST on LATalkLive!

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

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Sunday
Jun022013

Is the Grass Always Greener on the Other Side?

“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” – Sound familiar? It should. This well-known phrase captures what every person in or out of a relationship thinks from time to time. If you’re currently single, you may be thinking about how much you miss having a partner—someone with whom you can share love, laughter, and life experiences. You long for someone to hold and be with—a relationship that fills those basic human needs and alleviates your moments of loneliness and emptiness.

If you’re in a committed relationship, you just may be thinking about days gone by when you did not have to answer to anyone—when you could sleep, eat, play and shop—when, where and how you pleased. You long for some alone time and the feeling of independence. You miss your freedom.

I want you to know that “missing” the other side is not only normal, but expected. There are benefits and costs to being single and coupled. There will always be a longing, an appreciation and a loss, regardless of your relationship status. It is not a matter of if you feel these things, it is how you move through these times of discontent. No one package is perfect. So here are some realties and coping strategies to help you deal with your moments of doubt. 

If you are transitioning from singlehood to couplehood, or couplehood to singlehood, here is what you have in store and how you can cope. Be prepared to deal with the following:

Click Read in Browser to access full article

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Sunday
May052013

Feeling Out of Control?

As you continue to deepen your relationship and take risks, you will have moments when “things” feel out of control. As you experience changes in your life, such as moving in with your significant other, getting engaged, getting married, ending or starting a new job or business, having children, becoming ill, etc. you will find yourself coping with these changes in varied ways. Your personal coping mechanisms have been developing for many years and are activated the moment change occurs and as a result, you feel out of control. Feeling out of control when change is upon you is quite normal. Reacting to feeling out of control is also normal.

What’s surprising is that your coping mechanisms for dealing with change can deceive you. You may believe you are reacting to something else when in truth you are simply struggling with change. It is important to understand this dynamic because what you don’t know may hurt you.

Let me give you some examples. The “something else” can look like

  • Your partner is not paying enough attention to you
  • Your partner can’t seem to do or say anything right
  • You feel unappreciated and unsupported
  • You feel insatiable, like your needs and wants are a bottomless pit
  • You are easily irritated and annoyed
  • You are eating, smoking, drinking, and sleeping— too much or too little
  • You feel overwhelmed, like there is not enough of you to go around
  • You feel like something is wrong with you but can’t put your finger on it

If you relate to any of these and have recently experienced any kind of change in your life, you are suffering from what I call – Control Mania. This entails trying to find something or someway to feel back in control—of yourself, your life, and your relationships.

To read full article click Read in Browser

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Sunday
Apr072013

Do You Create Security or Doubt in Your Significant Relationship? 

When you are moving from a dating relationship to a committed monogamous relationship, you become more vulnerable. There is now more at stake. Your investment in the relationship has risen and your attachment to your significant other has solidified. This is all good. How you handle this transition can make a difference in how solid or shaky the next stage of your relationship feels. And remember, even if you’ve been with someone for a very long time, this information still applies to you. People tend to deal with vulnerability in one of two ways. The first is finding ways to feel less vulnerable—to transfer the risk of loss and sense of powerlessness to your significant other while creating an illusion of having power and control over the relationship. Some examples of this may be... (Click Read in Browser to read full article)

BIG NEWS! My radio/internet TV show “Pathways to Love” on LATalkLive will be moving to a new day and time. Starting April 14th you can catch us LIVE every Sunday at 1:30pm PST at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love. As always, call in with your questions and comments at 323-473-3100! (Until then, you can still watch us live on Fridays, 2:30pm PST and always catch the archived recorded shows at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love)

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