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“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life.  It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”

—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential

 

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You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.

Irene Conlan

I have read other books on this topic which spoke to me... This book, which I got in the Kindle version, pulled it all together for me--the biology, personal values, self identity, the human quest for belonging and intimacy. The book... brought to me great understanding. I wish I had ordered the paper version with the workbook. I ended up going back and ordering it.

Paula Markgraf Katz

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Friday
May302014

How Long Does It Take to Know Your Mate?

As you settle into your relationship you begin to understand that your mate is not exactly the person you thought she was when you first started dating. You now understand that your mate is a complex person with many facets and moods. You start to learn that he doesn't like being rubbed under his chin; she is sensitive when it comes to being criticized for being messy (even if it's done in a teasing way); he is hard to read sometimes and just because he's quiet doesn't mean he isn't having some kind of reaction; she hates mustard; he loves to swim underwater; she won't cry in public; he cries at sad movies; and so on, and so on.

As your relationship grows and you begin to feel like you really do know your mate, one day he inadvertently shares a story about a past girlfriend you didn't know existed. You take a step back. "How could I have not known this about him? Why didn't he share that with me?"

Or one day when you're on vacation, your wife says "Let's play tennis." You look at her in bewilderment as you never knew she played tennis and as turns out, she's pretty darn good. "After ten years together, how could I not know that my wife knows how to play tennis?"

These types of situations happen again and again in the world of relationships. So while these incidences may surprise you, they don't surprise me. It's quite common and normal. As a therapist and coach, I hear them all the time.
 
So how long does it take to fully know your mate? The answer is--a lifetime. Learning your mate never ends. The more you settle into your relationship, the more you realize that it will take a lifetime to truly know the person you love, the person you depend on the most, the person with whom you share your life.

Why, you ask? Well these are just some of the many reasons why you will never fully know the person you love.

  • People mature, change, and grow over time
  • People hide things about themselves that they find private, embarrassing or shameful
  • People reveal things about themselves over time as situations naturally bring out traits, stories, and behaviors
  • People simply forget that they never mentioned something about their past--even something that you find significant
  • People like to keep secrets for a variety of reasons
  • People will keep something to themselves in order to feel in control and maintain their sense of independence
  • People withhold things as a expression of anger or punishment
  • People may not think that this part of who they are would be of interest--it just doesn't occur to them to share it
  • People feel a lack of trust and safety in the relationship
  • People are uncomfortable with being vulnerable
  • People are uncomfortable or not interested in being that intimate
  • People discover new things about themselves and reinvent themselves many times over a lifetime. You simply won't be able to keep up!


So just when you think you know someone, think again. I promise, they will surprise you every time.

Next week, I'll write about what to do when the surprise is not good!
 

If you or someone you know wants to create a strong and intimate relationship, don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

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