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Sunday
May052013

Feeling Out of Control?

As you continue to deepen your relationship and take risks, you will have moments when “things” feel out of control. As you experience changes in your life, such as moving in with your significant other, getting engaged, getting married, ending or starting a new job or business, having children, becoming ill, etc. you will find yourself coping with these changes in varied ways. Your personal coping mechanisms have been developing for many years and are activated the moment change occurs and as a result, you feel out of control. Feeling out of control when change is upon you is quite normal. Reacting to feeling out of control is also normal.

What’s surprising is that your coping mechanisms for dealing with change can deceive you. You may believe you are reacting to something else when in truth you are simply struggling with change. It is important to understand this dynamic because what you don’t know may hurt you.

Let me give you some examples. The “something else” can look like

  • Your partner is not paying enough attention to you
  • Your partner can’t seem to do or say anything right
  • You feel unappreciated and unsupported
  • You feel insatiable, like your needs and wants are a bottomless pit
  • You are easily irritated and annoyed
  • You are eating, smoking, drinking, and sleeping— too much or too little
  • You feel overwhelmed, like there is not enough of you to go around
  • You feel like something is wrong with you but can’t put your finger on it

If you relate to any of these and have recently experienced any kind of change in your life, you are suffering from what I call – Control Mania. This entails trying to find something or someway to feel back in control—of yourself, your life, and your relationships.

Once you realize that your seemingly rational behavior now appears quite irrational, something magical happens. You acknowledge your discomfort with feeling out of control and accept that control is simply not in your immediate future. Once you do this, you can surrender and let go. Of course, in the process, there are a few other things you will need to do.

  • Have a good cry if you need to
  • Apologize to the people you love for being unreasonable and difficult to live with
  • Accept responsibility for what is happening in your life and your reactions to them
  • Find more effective and relationship-friendly ways to deal with the stress of change—go to the gym, enjoy time with friends, get plenty of rest, eat well, and settle into the process
  • Help the people you love understand what you are going through and let them know how they can support you.

Sometimes the feeling of being out of control can sneak up on you. Some changes are obvious; others are more subtle. Even settling into couplehood can trigger a reaction. Building intimacy and being vulnerable can cause stress. Feeling out of control is a normal part of the process. The goal is to become aware of how you may be attempting to regain a sense of control and how this is impacting others around you. In doing so, you begin to manage the process rather than the stress controlling you. Ironically, you gain more control when you release it.

If you or someone you know is struggling with feeling out of control and how that is impacting their relationships, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I am here to provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

As always, I’m here to support you in creating a transformational life and strong and powerful relationships.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

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