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Sunday
Apr072013

Do You Create Security or Doubt in Your Significant Relationship? 

When you are moving from a dating relationship to a committed monogamous relationship, you become more vulnerable. There is now more at stake. Your investment in the relationship has risen and your attachment to your significant other has solidified. This is all good. How you handle this transition can make a difference in how solid or shaky the next stage of your relationship feels. And remember, even if you’ve been with someone for a very long time, this information still applies to you.

People tend to deal with vulnerability in one of two ways. The first is finding ways to feel less vulnerable—to transfer the risk of loss and sense of powerlessness to your significant other while creating an illusion of having power and control over the relationship. Some examples of this may be

  • Making your significant other feel jealous
  • Acting as if you could dump your significant other without any trepidation or hesitancy
  • Making comments or jokes that keeps your significant other “off balance”—making him or her feel insecure, put down, unimportant, unappreciated, or unwanted
  • Doing things that may cause your significant other to feel like you are less committed to the relationship than you actually are
  • Withholding love, affection, and caring behaviors that lends itself to reassurance and security in the relationship

The second way people deal with their vulnerability is to take care of their own anxieties while creating an atmosphere of trust and authenticity. Some examples of this may be

  • Letting your significant other know when you are feeling especially vulnerable and insecure without expecting him or her to do anything about it
  • Finding ways to reassure yourself and contain your anxieties as you continue to build a strong foundation of trust and love in the relationship
  • Doing things that create trust in the relationship such as being your word, demonstrating respect, offering support, and communicating honestly and openly
  • Letting your partner know through words and actions that you are invested in the relationship, want the relationship to work, and will do your part to create a strong and intimate relationship as you move forward and deepen your connection with each other
  • Say things to your significant other that makes him or her feel loved, cherished, appreciated, respected, and wanted

So who do you want to be? What do you want to create? Are you creating security or doubt?

While it is common and normal to defend against feeling powerless, anxious, vulnerable, and a lack of control by trying to gain a sense of power and control at the expense of others, in the end, you are only left with an empty sense of victory. Real power comes from being able to manage your own anxieties in a way that is not at the expense of anyone. Real power comes from knowing that creating trust, security, and love is all that truly counts—treating others in way that empowers them always leaves you more empowered yourself—treating others in a way that demeans or disempowers them always leaves you less empowered yourself. The choices are clear. So I ask you one more time…

Who do you want to be? What do you want to create?

If you or someone you know is struggling with creating a strong and intimate relationship, please reach out and contact me. I am here to provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

As always, I’m here to support you in creating a transformational life and strong and powerful relationships. 

BIG NEWS! My radio/internet TV show “Pathways to Love” on LATalkLive will be moving to a new day and time. Starting April 14th you can catch us LIVE every Sunday at 1:30pm PST at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love. As always, call in with your questions and comments at 323-247-7443! (Until then, you can still watch us live on Fridays, 2:30pm PST and always catch the archived recorded shows at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love)

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

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