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“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life.  It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”

—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential

 

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You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.

Irene Conlan

I have read other books on this topic which spoke to me... This book, which I got in the Kindle version, pulled it all together for me--the biology, personal values, self identity, the human quest for belonging and intimacy. The book... brought to me great understanding. I wish I had ordered the paper version with the workbook. I ended up going back and ordering it.

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Sunday
Jan132013

Are you an “I” or a “We?”

One of the tasks couples face as they build their relationship is moving their identity from an “I” to a “We.” Sounds simple enough. You start referring to “our vacation” as opposed to “my vacation.” Or you begin to talk about the future in terms of what “our” future will be. Simply changing the pronoun sounds easy enough but in reality, the pronoun use means so much more than a simple sentence structure would imply.

There are certain things that come with the word We—it implies a certain level of commitment and with each level of commitment comes certain responsibilities—this may be the very reason some people pause when consciously or unconsciously selecting a pronoun use. So if you find yourself stuttering when choosing to use I or We, here are some of the reasons why you may be grappling.

Losing your autonomy. As you become a We, you’re ability to make decisions autonomously shifts. More and more you must consider, consult, and concur with your significant other on decisions that affect you, your loved one, and the relationship. 

Sharing your assets. As you become a We, you must be willing to share—share your time, energy, money, space (literally and figuratively), and things. An I doesn’t need to share all that much but a We must be generous in sharing their resources, understanding that by doing so (with the right person), you will receive so much more in return.

Taking on responsibilities. As you become a We, you make a commitment to care for another person. This means that when your significant other becomes ill, you stick around and provide care. It means that when your significant other has lost their job and can’t make the car payment, you participate in problem solving. In essence, your and your significant other’s problems turn into We problems. Please note that I am not suggesting you become co-dependent; I’m suggesting that you become a partnership.

Becoming vulnerable. As you become a We, you become more vulnerable to loss. There is more invested and more at stake. You are more vulnerable to hurt and disappointment. And if the relationship doesn’t survive or if your loved one passes away, you will have the burden to disassemble the We and re-build yourself as an autonomous I once again.

Becoming a We requires maturity and persistence. It does not come easy. But the rewards are many.  I have found that people typically fall into one of two categories if they struggle with the transition. Those who fear losing their individuation, power and control tend to shy away from any We commitments. Those who crave security and safety tend to catapult into the We prematurely. In either case, you perpetuate a faulty understanding of what a We really means.

Becoming a We does not entail losing your I, power or control. It entails incorporating a We identity within your already present and fully developed I. And while the list above may infer that there is a lot to give up, this is really not the case. In truth, you generate more power and more love when you become a We.

Becoming a We does not guarantee any security or hideout from being responsible for yourself and your life. It entails creating a space from which to understand yourself better and grow as a human being. And you may desire a safe place to hide out, relationships will never deliver. Instead, they offer you the opportunity to become bigger, stronger, and better.

The choice is yours.

If you or someone you know is struggling with creating a strong and intimate relationship, please reach out and contact me. I am here to provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

As always, I’m here to support you in creating strong and powerful relationships.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

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