What are people saying about The Pathway to Love:

“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life.  It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”

—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential

 

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You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.

Irene Conlan

I have read other books on this topic which spoke to me... This book, which I got in the Kindle version, pulled it all together for me--the biology, personal values, self identity, the human quest for belonging and intimacy. The book... brought to me great understanding. I wish I had ordered the paper version with the workbook. I ended up going back and ordering it.

Paula Markgraf Katz

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Entries in couples counseling (4)

Friday
Feb192016

Dating with the End in Mind

In addition to working as a psychotherapist, I also work as a Consultant for organizations and businesses. In that role, I facilitate strategic planning sessions and leadership/team development programs. One of the ways I work with executives on strategic planning is to start with the end in mind. We clearly define the goal and then work backwards to determine major milestones and tactical action items. It may sound counter-intuitive but in actuality, starting from the finish line and working your way back is a very effective way to set and achieve goals.

For those of you who are ready to date or newly dating (and for anyone else who just wants to learn how to set and reach goals), starting with the end in mind may be the difference between creating what you want or not. Follow these simple guidelines and see for yourself.

  1. Get very clear on what kind of relationship you want. Describe the relationship in concrete terms—e.g., want to eventually be married, monogamous, live in a house in the Seattle area, both have satisfying and fulfilling jobs, want 3 children, visit family often, take adventurous vacations, enjoy taking our two dogs for walks, etc.
  2. Determine what qualities and traits are most important to you in a partner. Only list 3-4 traits—select them wisely and make sure they are traits that enable your ideal relationship to grow.
  3. Determine who you need to be. List the qualities and traits you need to have in order to be a partner who can co-create your ideal relationship with someone else.
  4. Think of places where you will find people that are interested in the kind of relationship you desire? For example, if you want someone who likes to be social and adventurous, you would want to sign up for social events and adventures. Or, if you want to be with someone who is physically fit, you would want to spend time at a fitness center or doing activities that require a fit lifestyle.
  5. Consider how you will know that this person has the interests and traits you are looking for? Be prepared to put in the time and get to know someone. Don’t meet someone and interview them—people are either put off by this or will tell you what you want to hear if they like you. Only time and shared experiences will give you the validation you need. Enjoy getting to know someone. Take the pressure off yourself and know it can take a year or three to find out if he or she is the one. In the meantime, have fun!
  6. Be willing to walk away if it turns out that this person is not a good fit. Don’t commit to someone hoping he or she will change. If you truly want different things or your mate demonstrates behaviors that do not match your top three traits, it will be better to suffer the loss now.
  7. Be open to discovering that your concept of the ideal relationship has changed. Sometimes we think we want something only to discover what we want is right in front of us. Love has a funny way of doing that. Just make sure your personal integrity is intact and the relationship has the capacity to continue to grow.

Be intentional about your desire to create the relationship you want. Be open to who and what comes your way. Get out of your way and live your best life.

If you or someone you know is having trouble finding quality people and creating strong and intimate relationships, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

Be well,

Julie

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Click to read more ...

Friday
Jun192015

Even Smart Women Get Fooled

I receive a lot of emails from women who feel embarrassed and foolish. They describe situations where they have been seduced and charmed by men only to be hurt, betrayed and dumped weeks or months later.

These women all share the same story. They describe themselves as smart and savvy. They say that while they want a healthy intimate relationship they are not desperate. They describe their experiences pretty much the same way. It goes like this...

I met this great guy. He swept me off me feet. He was so charming and made me feel wanted and loved. He came on fast but demonstrated that he was all in--his actions matched his words. We had many talks about what we wanted from a relationship. He told me he wanted marriage and could definitely see a future with me.  

I was cautious at first. I wanted to make sure that he was the real deal. I kept clear boundaries. He needed to pursue me and I needed to make sure I was treated with respect. Eventually I fell in love and was all in. I began to make him a priority, probably at the expense of my own needs and other responsibilities (e.g., I gave up time with my kids, I left work early, I accommodated his schedule and needs).  Eventually, I found myself making excuses for little behaviors that felt "off."  I rationalized his actions that no longer matched his words and worked hard to get my "great" guy back.

One day, it all came out. I found out he was ________(fill in the blank: married, seeing other women, didn't have a job, was in bankruptcy--you name it--a situational atrocity that caught me blindsided).  Or one day, he simply said he was moving on. Or worse, one day he just disappeared, never returning my calls or texts. He just dumped me without a single thought.

I was crushed. I lost all confidence in myself and my judgment. I was a fool for love and I can't believe I let this man get the best of me. What is wrong with me?! Why didn't I see this coming?!


If you can relate to some or all of this story, here's what I want you to know...

1. Even smart women get fooled. There are men (and women) who are expert manipulators. They have been doing this for years and know exactly how to hook and reel people in. Give yourself a break.

2. You will learn from this experience and will not easily be fooled again. Next time you find yourself being swept off your feet, get your balance and proceed with caution. Smart women can get fooled once, maybe twice but never more than that. So don't worry, you will learn from your experiences and take better care of yourself next time.

3. Find out what made you vulnerable to his advances. What is your Achilles heel? In what way are you most vulnerable? Knowing this is how you inoculate yourself from future harm.

4. Master the four phases of a developing relationship. Understanding what each phase entails and how to navigate through them effectively will enable you to build strong and intimate relationships--ones based on mutual understanding, respect, acceptance and love.

5. Be kind to yourself. Everyone has been blindsided and fooled by someone who had his/her own interest at heart, not yours. We run into them all the time. If you get caught in the one of their traps, simply get out, shake it off and move on. There are plenty of great people out there with integrity and a kind heart.

If you'd like more information on the four phases of a developing relationship and want to order The Pathway to Love at-home program today, click here. You and your relationships deserve it!

And if you'd like to schedule a one-on-one session with me so you can understand what is working well, identify what is getting in your way and learn how to create the relationship you want, call me today at 310-379-5855. I'm here to help!

Be well,
Julie

 

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Click to read more ...