What are people saying about The Pathway to Love:

“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life.  It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”

—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential

 

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You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.

Irene Conlan

I have read other books on this topic which spoke to me... This book, which I got in the Kindle version, pulled it all together for me--the biology, personal values, self identity, the human quest for belonging and intimacy. The book... brought to me great understanding. I wish I had ordered the paper version with the workbook. I ended up going back and ordering it.

Paula Markgraf Katz

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Sunday
Apr192015

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not: Dealing with Mixed Messages

Let me tell you a story about Jill. She met a man who asked her out on a date. She was very attracted to him and believed it was mutual. After the first date, he called her every night for about a week, pursuing her with interest. He asked her out for a second date and then a third. On the third date, they had sex--she knew it was probably too soon to have sex with him but it had been a while since she was interested in anyone and she got caught up in the moment, enjoying the attention and physical connection.

He told her he would call her the next day and they would continue their time together. Jill did not spend the night; she had two children waiting at home and needed to get back at a reasonable time. She kissed her man goodnight and went home. 

The next day she did not her from her new beau. She waited until mid-day and then called. She believed him when he said he wanted to continue their time together so she invited him over suggesting they go to the movies or grab a bite. Although he sounded a bit hesitant, he eventually agreed to take her to dinner.

That night over dinner he told her that he was not good at relationships and hoped last night did not indicate she was ready for anything too serious too soon. Jill was confused by this declaration. Although they had been sexually intimate last night, she understood this relationship was very new and didn't really expect anything at this point. She tried to reassure him that they were just getting to know each other and she hoped he was open to simply spending time and having fun. And while she heard the words "I'm not good at relationships" she interpreted this to mean that he had been hurt in the past, was scared of intimacy and she was just the person to heal his past wounds and show him that a good relationship was safe and wonderful.

Fast forward three months and this is what Jill discovered. She was constantly trying to convince this man that he really did want a relationship and if he'd just open up to her, she could "show him the way."  He remained unavailable for any real relationship, canceling dates from time to time and keeping her at arms' length. Jill's feelings of frustration and rejection continued to grow. The situation was increasingly painful for her and she just couldn't understand why he continued to give her mixed messages--he still wanted to see her from time to time but never fully integrated her into his heart and life. This went on for another three months before he finally told her that he felt guilty for keeping this going since he would never be able to give her what she wants. Reluctantly, Jill accepted the loss and moved on.

Now before you go and judge Jill for being so oblivious to the obvious, think about a time when someone was giving you mixed messages--think about a time when someone told you something you didn't want to hear. Most of us have had an experience of feeling such a strong connection that we deny the message that says go away and we hang on to the message that says I'm still interested. When this happens, we stay much longer than we should, determined to find a way to make someone want us as much as we want them to.

The lesson? When you get mixed messages, listen to the one that says "go away." It will save you a lot of time and heartache. Mixed messages mean I want to get what I want from you but I'm not interested in meeting your needs. Nothing more, nothing less. Mixed messages DO NOT mean "I'm scared and if you just love me a little bit more I will feel less scared and realize that you are the one for me."

As hard as it is to let go, don't get caught in the trap of these crazy making situations. Find a good friend with a solid head on their shoulders and listen to their advice--drop him and move on. I promise you that by doing so, you honor yourself and create room for the right man to come along--the one that does not give mixed messages, the one that embraces you fully into his heart and life. You deserve no less.

If you or someone you know is struggling with getting their needs met, don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Mar122015

Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin

Sounds simple enough. You've been you since you were born. You've not been able to really get away from yourself. In truth, you're with yourself all the time. And yet, sometimes you find it hard to be alone with you. You will find all kinds of distractions--work, the internet, friends, drugs, food, television, casual sexual encounters--you name it. You don't really understand why you avoid you--all you know is that you feel anxious, restless, depressed and have all kinds of self-deprecating thoughts when you are left alone with you. You believe you will find your happiness outside of you, you believe your ability to be powerful depends on things outside of you, you look for validation that you're "okay" from other people, titles, institutions. 
 
So what is it about yourself that you want to avoid, deny or escape? Why is it so umcomfortable for you to be in your own skin?
 
Here are some possibilities...
 
You're scared that the negative feeling and place you're in will never go away.
In truth, what you are feeling and your life's circumstances are transient. They will pass.
 
You believe that the negative thoughts you have about yourself are true.
In truth, most of the negative thoughts you have about yourself are false. And for those that deserve your attention, the longer you wait, the more pain, shame and suffering you will endure.
 
You believe that if you accept things the way they are, you are giving up the fight for something better.
In truth, the sooner you accept what is, the sooner you can relax and be with what is. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can see a way out and take action.
 
You are scared to be alone and feel like something bad will happen.
In truth, if something bad is going to happen, it really won't matter if you're alone or not. You alone have to go through your life and process all that happens. While having supportive friends and family makes life better, they can't do your life for you.
 
You feel lonely by yourself and prefer the comfort and pleasure of companionship.
In truth, this is a normal way to feel from time to time. Rarely is someone alone for long indefinite periods of time. Learning how to tolerate moments of loneliness and enjoying time alone with yourself is a very healthy and adaptive way to move through life.
 
There are most likely other reasons why it's hard for you personally to be comfortable in your own skin. I invite you to share what they are with me and others. In likelihood, you are not alone in this--no pun intended.
 
Take some time to enjoy being with yourself. Learn to get comfortable in your own skin. Be a better friend to yourself and you just might discover something new.
 
Be well,
Julie 

P.S. If you or someone you know wants to feel more comfortable in their own skin, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Click to read more ...

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